Claus or Criminal?

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Claus or Criminal?

Bailey Van Wagoner, Business Manager, Managing Editor, Web Editor

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In an age of political correctness, many people are concerned about the way Santa Claus is presented in the media, but more concerning than his appearance are his actions.

Santa’s persona has become a hot topic of discussion. Some, like Megyn Kelly (an American journalist), contend that Santa shouldn’t be changed as he, like middle-eastern Jesus, is historically white. “Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change,” Kelly said, “You know, I mean, Jesus was a white man too…He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa.” Many others argue that his characterization as an old, white, overweight man should come to an end and be replaced by a newer, more inclusive model. Whether this reinvention includes multiple skin types, body types, or species altogether, any makeover should include one thing: an ankle monitor. Mr. Claus is many things and a harmless bundle of joy may not be one of them.

Stalker

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” If Santa wasn’t a stalker, how would he know these things about children? It’s bad enough that he keeps a running record of the “good” and “naughty” deeds of every individual on the planet according to his unique interpretations of the concepts, he’s also watching minors in their homes with some kind of spying equipment. This is a breach of numerous laws regarding the safety and privacy of minors, and adults for that matter.

Cheater

While Mrs. Claus sits patiently back in the North Pole, Santa Claus is gallivanting the globe with no repercussions for his actions. This poor woman has no idea the indecencies her husband commits every Christmas night. Take for example The Jackson 5’s “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” If Mr. Claus takes this interaction with a married woman so lightly, it makes a person wonder what else he might have done with other mommies across the world.

Burglar

On any normal night, a person would be called crazy for not calling the cops on an old, fat guy squeezed into a sooty, red suit sneaking around his/her home. But it’s just Santa, so it’s okay. There seems to be a disparity between the treatment of average burglars and this celebrity criminal. Not only is Santa let off the hook for entering the homes of children, but most people don’t bat an eye at the fact that he also steals various vegetables for his reindeer, eggnog for himself, and those sugar cookies sitting on the counter. Seriously though, someone worked for hours rolling out that dough, making shapes, re-rolling the dough, making more shapes, and painstakingly decorating each of those delicious bits of sugar. Then Santa just takes them. Rude.

Kidnapper

The story is infamous. An innocent old woman minding her own business gets brutally trampled by a group of wild reindeer driven by a madman. Said madman then takes this woman to his isolated house on the vast, frozen tundra of the Arctic. The plot of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer sounds more like the plot of a horror story than a holiday classic. It raises the question, has this happened before? There may be a string of reindeer maulings with a more sinister cause than random animal behavior.

As the debate rages on over this controversial character, it may be a wise decision to eliminate Santa from holiday festivities instead of celebrating his criminality. The flaws of his persona can’t be fixed with a coat of new paint, so it is not a question of diversification but of incarceration. There is no need to despair, however. The holiday spirit will live on. Even if you lock your doors and windows, take comfort in knowing that Santa will find a way to enter your home without your permission and steal your baked goods. Happy Holidays!