What Not to Wear: Halloween Special

Bailey Van Wagoner, Managing Editor, Business Manager, Web Editor

Halloween is creepily hiding just around the corner, and it’s time to pay a gross amount of money for a costume you will only wear for one utterly uncomfortable night. Deciding on the perfect costume can be hard, so here are a few ideas because you apparently have no creativity and can’t think of an idea without help from some random journalist writing for a school newspaper. With any of these generic, overused ideas, you are sure to turn heads at any of the 15 overcrowded parties you get invited to the night of October 31st.


Make it Sexy

Nothing says Halloween like shivering all night in a revealing costume. Impress your friends with wearing as little clothing as possible while still portraying an arbitrary profession: sexy nurse, sexy pirate, sexy nun, sexy student, etc. For all you boys out there, go to your nearest Halloween store, scour the store for one of the few male costumes labeled “sexy,” take it home, and strategically tear slits and holes in the cheap material. Voila! Now you have a provocative costume. For all you girls, walk into the store and buy the first costume that fits from the women’s section. You have your seductive costume. Strut your stuff and show off those goosebumps.

Make it Dead

You know what’s even more unique than painstakingly creating a handmade costume of your favorite character? Buying a generic costume from China modeled vaguely after your favorite character and turning it into a zombie with cheap red and black paint. It’s a completely original idea that is sure to stand out from the crowd. This year, blow up your Instagram with likes of your zombified athlete, cartoon character, or dead pop star.

Make it Offensive

This year, advertise your progressive views to your friends by dressing in an offensive costume. Try dressing in the stereotypical attire of an entire culture for a few laughs.  Cultural appropriation is always in style. Another option is to marginalize the difficulties of an oppressed group by dressing in a costume that ridicules mental illness, physical disability, objectification, sexual orientation, gender, economic situation, physical fitness, immigration, national tragedies, and the list goes on. The possibilities are endless, really. If anyone gives you grief over your costume, remind them it’s all in good fun. No one is allowed to tell you to change your costume because they find it “insensitive.” It’s a free country.

Make it Scary

You can of course keep it simple by sticking with the original Halloween costumes: the heads and furs of animals. Celebrate in classic Celtic style by using your costume to scare away any evil spirits that may be lurking in your home. So call your friends, light a huge bonfire, sacrifice some animals for good fortune, and try your hand at predicting the future. It’ll be a blast from the past.

As we all know, Halloween stores tend to run out of the good costumes well before Halloween. So, remember to procrastinate buying your costume until the week before when all of the good costumes are gone and the only sizes available either drown you or cut off all circulation to your limbs. No matter what costume you decide to wear on All Hallows’ Eve, have fun staying up way too late on a Wednesday and dreading your alarm clock the next morning.